“How has it come about that we are so bewitched by our self-hatred, so impressed and credulous in the face of our self-criticism, as unimaginative as it usually is? And why is it akin to a judgement without a jury? A jury, after all, represents some kind of consensus as an alternative to autocracy… Self-criticism, when it isn’t useful in the way any self-correcting approach can be, is self-hypnosis. It is judgement as spell, or curse, not as conversation; it is an order, not a negotiation; it is dogma, not overinterpretation.”
The dojo is many things to many people. Some of my favourite (and least favourite) times in the dojo are those I spend in self-reflection on my kendo. I encourage everyone to examine their kendo as objectively as possible. This is harder than it seems.
Seth Godin recently wrote an insightful post on why this is. Perceiving ourselves the way others do is impossible. This is true about our inner selves and about our kendo. I find the two to be interlinked and to some degree, interdependent.
This is one of the reasons I love (and hate) using video as a training aid. Through video you see your kendo as it is, not as you think or wish it would be. Your self-criticism may be overly harsh, but sometimes, when you catch a moment of brilliance on video, you can be reminded that you’re better than you’ve been and that you have the potential to “get it right”, whatever that means to you.
Everyone engages in self-criticism. The next time your internal judge, jury and executioner shows up to take a few swings at you, keep in mind that it’s only one voice and that it’s not always accurate. You (and your kendo) are not as “bad” as that inner voice says.
If you allow it, you are your own worst enemy. It’s a choice to be that way.